Breakfast Balls

Geezers pride themselves on knowing or at least recognizing their limitations. There are a couple of examples of this factor. One is the ubiquitous Breakfast Ball, and another is the occasionally invoked Two Putt Rule.

For the Geezers playing the first hole at Perdition Dunes, the Breakfast Ball is regularly invoked. Like its cousin the Mulligan, the Breakfast Ball is by any definition a do-over.

First, I must explain the layout of the first hole. From the black tees where the occasional son-in-law or where the testosterone fueled and delusional Korean men play, to the heavily bunkered first pin there are some five hundred and sixty yards of narrow and wood-lined fairway. About three hundred and eighty yards from the pin there is a deep ravine from which the land rises on the right to a series of deep bunkers. To the left, the land slopes downward into more bunkers that border deep woods choked with poison ivy, ticks and the occasional copperhead snake. Nice. Going O.B. here is its own punishment.

Now, for the Geezers, the length of the hole from the senior tee is only 415 yards. This generally means at least three shots before reaching the green. Still, it is a Par-5. 

The senior tee is set fifty feet in elevation below the black tees, so all our tee shots are essentially up hill. And to help us, this is the widest part of the fairway. We should have no problem getting into the fairway. Oh, what fools we mortals be.

Geezers on the tee have been known to dribble their shot into the murkiness of the ravine, hook into the woods on the left or even slice up to the right and cross the cart path into someone’s back yard. First shots are often not very pretty.

Now, the cause of this phenomenon may be the fact that the Geezers take early tee times in order to well, allow for our regular afternoon naps, or that once you get to our age, we are up early after a fitful night’s sleep. Other reasons can be attributed to the arm’s long list of skeletal-muscular issues that we all exhibit. From arthritis to bad knees, hips, and backs, we Geezers are the Baby Boomer’s walking wounded.

So here is how the Breakfast Ball works. You hit your first shot and if it is not met with a chorus of groans from your fellow players, you are entitled to another and hopefully better shot. (Still, if you think you can do better than your first with your second, just take it. No one gives a good Goddamn.) Now you are on your way to best your 26 handicap.

As for the two-putt rule, this is invoked in the event (something that is often the case at Perdition Dunes) when the maintenance of the greens and bunkers is less than optimal. 

Whenever the greenskeepers punch and aerate the greens, they put down a layer of sand or fertilizer. That layer when mixed with dew or a fresh drizzle forms a paste that upon the golf ball encountering it creates a Saturn-like ring around a rolling ball.

Putting such a lopsided sphere over a Mojave-like surface does not conform to how most golfers, even Geezer golfers have been trained to putt. The ball, even when cleaned between putts goes off into curves most often seen made by a Spirograph. No one can control their putts. And even if you could read the green, those little kernels of sand and phosphate cling to the dimpled surface of the ball and pull it sideways. Hence – the two-putt rule.The rule states simply that under these conditions once on the green you are guaranteed to score only two putts. If you hole the putt for a birdie, great, but you cannot three-putt any hole. When this rule is invoked, voila, you might be on your way to a true bogey round. How else does a hundred stroke plus golfer suddenly shoot a ninety?